A Good Day? I think so!

Ahhh, this morning, I was dreading waking up like any other day. Sleeping in til I get to the point where I can no longer stay there. When I lay there longer than my body wants me to, I will sometimes get really hot, and then I will get a stomach ache. Well, today, I hear my phone buzz. Okay, just an Facebook email, no big deal you know. But even though I knew/assumed it was just a Facebook email..I looked at it anyways. I'm not sure why. Maybe I thought it could possibly be an email from Kayla? Not sure. But I pressed the email button, and there it was. He had emailed me : ) We used to email every now and then in school. That made my day : ) He brightened it. If it weren't for him, I may have had a horrible day like my past couple days. Ahh...no matter of everything else that happened, I will go to bed smiling tonight : ) knowing that he wanted to talk to me : )))))

Why?

Why is it that everything I do is wrong? I can never please anybody. Do something nice for one friend, and you upset another. Jeez, when will everybody be happy? Does she know as well that I read pretty much every word that she writes on her blog? Doubt it. I never once denied saying anything bad about her. I don't want to say anything bad, but really? Who doesn't say something bad about someone in their life. Grrr. He has not told me everything, and I have not told him everything. Yes, there has been things shared between us, but its not like either one of us is going to go and blab away at whoever walks by. Now...he and I don't share as much as a couple months back. It doesn't really matter to me, but idk, just miss having someone to really talk to about things, without others finding out from him. Not many people these days can be trusted with personal thoughts. I don't really have anyone who I can fully trust, or who would even want to hear it. I'm sorry alright? I don't know what I did, not when I did it, but if it makes you happy, then I'm sorry.

You say I'm this 'pretty', 'nice', 'kind', 'beautiful' person. When really....I'm not. I rarely ever think of myself in this way. Please don't refer me as these adjectives. They mean nothing, yet everything. I hate when people say these things, especially when I know they are not true. Just please, stop...

My Book

A while back, mmm idk, maybe back in March or April, I started writing a story...well now I am considering it as a book because it is already incredibly long, and its not nearly done yet. My story/book is called "Right?" (it's a working title, never know if it is going to change). It's about this girl Vanessa Wheeler, and pretty much her life. She and her best friend, Callen James, are starting their junior year at high school. They thought it was going to be a typical, pretty much boring, high school year. Yeaaa, they somewhat thought wrong. They forgot to include all of the drama that goes along with high school. Vanessa has to deal with herself falling head over heels for this guy. Problem is: this guy is a teacher. She questions on if this is a good choice. Callen's no help either. He tends to make things, well, worse. He makes Vanessa more confused that she already was. Dealing with her new found love, her best friend, and her parents divorcing, Vanessa will have to encounter the toughest things in life. Will she get through it? Is she going to make the right choices? Well, that's for you to find out. Comment if you want me to send you an online parcially written draft of the story : )

Thinking...

When I'm down...I start to think. Think about...everything. Why is the world how it is? Is there a reason for my existance? Do people even like me? Or are they just pretending to, just to get something from me? I start to think about all those mistakes I have made.... They hurt..everytime. Those thoughts will never go away..yet I can block them out for sometime. But then...something turns me down, and everything that I had blocked out...just comes straight back to my mind. Not just certain things, not just things that had recently gotten me down, but everything I have done wrong this year and then some. I hate all of this thinking... It drives me insane. To make it go away, I blast music in my ears... Sadly, then I feel even more pain.. Headaches...My right ear always hurts...I just don't know what to do anymore.. I wish there was a way to erase memories... I don't want these memories...They hurt.. When I think about them...all I want to do is cry...thinking 'Why did this have to happen to me? What the hell did I do to deserve this?' I just don't understand.. Should I cease my existance? Make all of these feelings go away... Nobody wants me... I feel cold.....

Summerrrrrrr..

Yep, it's that time of year again: Summer. Now most people would be all "Yay! its summer. I can't wait for everything that's gunna happen!" Yeaaaaaaa....not how I am. Okay, yea, I look forward to summer, hoping things wont turn out the way I know it will. Every summer, i lose contact with so many people. 3 months with out certain people I wish I could see everyday, just like how it was when we were in school. There are the people who you don't know if your going to see at all. There are the people who say "Oh yea! We need to hang this summer!" and thats the last you hear from them until the fall. Then theres the people that stick by yourside all summer long : ) Yeaaa, doesn't happen too much. Only person I can say for sure that has done that is my bestie Ashley Sivertson : D Pretty awesome she is. I hope to see all of my friends in the summer, even if it's only once. Once is enough for me. Problem is: I'm stuck in this prison I call home. My dad makes me feel like I'm a prisoner in his house. "No friends over! No you can't go there! Be home before this time! You don't need to be running around! You're just kids! You can stay home! I don't like that person! You can stay home!" He has an excuse for everything. So here I am, wanting to go and hang out with people. Nope, can't do it. Dad won't let me. I don't see what the point of getting a license this summer is. My dad's not going to let me drive like I want anyways, so what's the point? Who knows? Probably so I can do the things they don't want to or can't do, like bring my brother to baseball? Oh well i guess : /. I really would like to see 'him' this summer, but I know that that's not going to happen, unfortunately. Oh well. Well, maybe things will be different this summer? Maybe I will get to have a life? Or will I stay prisoner in this house? Who knows...I don't.